This Exact Moment

I'm not one prone to being melodramatic, but this week has been definitively the worst in my entire life. I know that I will most likely experience even worse moments in my life as I get older though, particularly if a loved one departs from this world... but right now it is just as devastating to lose someone who is still walking around breathing the same air as you breathe.

It was very strange how it flickered out at the very end. How the last moments were spent avoiding eye contact, initiating conversation on banal subjects like a new tan. I wish I could cradle these last moments carefully in my hands as precious as they should have been, like a soon to be extinct animal... but actually I realize now as I'm typing that our WHOLE relationship should have been precious, but yet it was not. What was most confusing is how I had to call out and beckon a goodbye. I'm not sure whether this was because we wanted to rip it off like a bandaid, or whether we really had nothing more we wanted to say to one another. If things were normal like they used to be, our conversations would be endless... we could talk to now till infinity without fatigue, energized by natural chemistry. Our beginning was a tidal wave that overcame our senses, we drowned in this huge passion and over time I settled comfortably into your arms like it was utopia. How that reached the end of its life cycle under such unceremonial dressings feels so starkly cheap in contrast. I guess when it was so heavy to start with, even if you try your best to let it down gently it'll come crashing down if you slip. Well one thing is for sure -- I held up my weight but watched it shatter in slow-motion anyway.

Anyway, I'm writing this down as a time capsule just for myself. I know that it's rather inappropriate to express such intimate feelings here, but I feel like if I hold it in right now I'll seriously crack inside. Hopefully when I reread my blog 1 month, 6 months, 1 year from now I can count how far I've come along since. People tell me that is all part of growing up, but I really don't think that you need to get hurt to grow up. It's just the cards that you're dealt with, but you only have two options -- to deal with it or to fold. I absolutely refuse to fold, I'm a doer, a fixer, a supporter, a lover... that's just who I am. I played my very last hand and realized that it was hopeless at the end. It hurts to admit that that there is no hope, because suddenly you find yourself staring into darkness, and your eyes have to adjust.

Tomorrow I go home. Honestly I feel pretty fucking defeated, but I guess my only consolation is that I found out it was indeed a lost cause. It's time to revisit people that share their life with me sans boundaries. That is how I want to live, wish you could have been part of it. Saddest part is that you could have if you really wanted to be.

Goodbye, love.