Goodbye New York

So, I guess it's goodbye again.

My stuff is all packed and stacked in one corner of my mom's living room -- one luggage for clothes, one carry-on for shoes. Someone please tell me why shoes take up SO MUCH SPACE, and why I need separate shoes for summer, spring, fall, winter, hiking, running, dancing, beach. Women are totally over-accessorized. I have to say though, I'm rather proud that I've slowly learned how to pare down my stuff. After struggling to haul 2 ridiculously overweight luggages by my lonesome self more than a few times, I think I've finally learned my lesson. There are many things that you think you need, but very few things that you really really need. Underwear, fleece, jeans, cotton shirts, laptop, camera, and 480483204 pairs of shoes. Bada bing, bada boom.

It finally struck me today that I'm actually going to China for a year and I (still) have no idea where my life is really going. It sucks. I know that life isn't like finding the end of a rainbow and discovering a nice pot of gold, but at some point I really want to have an "Ah-ha!" moment and settle this shit once and for all. God, I sound like such a brat -- people would probably point out that traveling and adventuring is a luxury. It's true, logically and rationally I'm completely ecstatic about what the next year may hold... but on the flipside it all comes with a price as well. I've made my parents and my grandparents worry constantly about me, I've missed out on key events amongst my friends, I've put aside a wonderful potential future, I've put myself into so much debt, I've entered constant uncertainty. It'd all better be damn worth it.

Self-portrait. Taken after a particularly rough day awhile back.

So yea, it hit me today that underneath all this pep and cheer that I'm scared. I'm not afraid of the "hardships" in China, but really all the decision-making that comes after that. How do you want to live your life? That's the million dollar question.

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin' it's early morn
The taxi's waitin' he's blowin' his horn
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
Don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go

Hell yea those are lyrics. Now you know for sure that this is an emo post. :) See y'all on the other side of the pond, bitches.

{addendum} My friend Sharon sent this article to me that I think ALL 20-somethings should read if you're embroiled in or may have an impending Quarter Life Crisis. It pretty much encapsulates the whole phenomenon. 30-somethings are allowed to read this too, especially if you plan to live to 120 years old, heh.