I spent the whole today with my dad and my grandparents. I always feel like laughing and crying inside whenever I'm with them... because seeing them makes me so damn happy in the present and so sad when I think about the future.
Classic grandpa/grandma dynamic.
"Can someone tell me why he's annoyed again...?"
[M: Just smack him and he'll be right as rain.]
Especially now that I've been away from New York for a year and a half, and will be gone again for at least another two years, I feel an acute sense of urgency and anxiety whenever I think about my grandparents. They're each approaching 100 years old, and although they top the charts in physical and mental health in their age group, they inevitably become frailer each time I walk through their door. It's become starkly evident now that I see them fewer and further between. My grandmother loves flowers, so I always have a bouquet of orchids/roses/geraniums ready when I see her. Whereas before I'd be able to bring her fresh batches of flowers before the previous ones wilted, now the vase always awaits me... eager and empty.
Now they will have to wait at least another 9 months before I can see them again. Now I will have to wait at least another 9 months before they can see me again.
Honestly, I'm scared as hell that something will happen before I come back. It wouldn't be wrong to say that they define who I am. I had the luxury of growing up with them, and now I feel like I'm growing old with them. They are my facts of life, but now that I'm a bit wiser, I can't deny that there are other more ancient truths that will supersede mine.
Now don't tell me that your grandpa knows how to surf the internet too. :)
Mine reads the news, watches Youtube, and checks my blog*. Really.
*I have another PG-rated grandparent-friendly blog that I write in just for them. In baby googoo-gaga Chinese. 你好嗎？我很好！
My grandfather stuffed an envelope with $500 in my hands today. I almost burst out spontaneously in tears because my grandfather is the hugest grinch ever. He's been constantly asking me whether I need help with my tuition, with housing, with food. I know that they are very worried about me, and I wish that I could allay their fears. But I can't, because I want to be in big scary China, I want to be exposed to more choices and risks, and I want to be adventurous with my life. Needless to say, my father is also very worried about me. I told him that Hopkins Nanjing mandates that all students have health insurance coverage, but that didn't really help. He remained silent as he drove me back to my mother's house.
I write all this with an enormous lump in my throat because I can't imagine life without them. I have so much of me that I want to share with my family, but these days I can't seem to be anywhere but far away from those whom I love. Self-discovery is a lonely journey.
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2 comments:
That was sweet. Also, now I feel guilty for being so annoyed with my grandparents, although I can't figure out how to fix that. Also, I think Julia Roberts is finding out in theaters this month that self-discovery is actually full of food and sex.
Haha not all grandparents are created equal T, believe me. I have a 外婆 that I don't keep in touch with because she's scared away all her children. I'm lucky that I'm actually really close with my 爺爺奶奶 (they don't insist on antiquated and close-minded ideologies, or push their values on anyone else), otherwise it'd be hard for them to have such an emotional hook on me!
As for food/sex = self-discovery... I'll let you know if things pick up. ;) Otherwise, self-discovery is truly over-rated and maybe I'll just become a corporate drone again. Ha!
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