When things get really rough, and I mean my-stomach-really-aches type of rough, doubts start creeping into my head. I could settle back into a nice cushy job working in a furnished office with stable internet, Aeron chair, and a laser printer/scanner. I could reliably reap a biweekly salary and let the HR Department fret over my visa situation. My value is correlated to my responsibilities, my title, and my paycheck. All I have to do is work hard and I am guaranteed my minimum 2 weeks vacation. I can expense everything because I work for the company and I don't owe them jack shit.

If I work for myself, everything matters. Each penny hurts. Each wasted and empty minute is acutely felt as an opportunity cost. Everything is yours, the pain and the reward.

Right now things are looking bad. So bad that I am considering an exit plan. The project is shot. The next step is grim.

One of the most valuable things that I learned from someone is to fully take all the time afforded you before making a decision. Time is valuable, and the only way to make the right decision is to allow as much information to seep in before you have to pull the trigger. Most of the unfavorable results that I've encountered in China so far is because my boss is so quick to pull the trigger, and does so without proper evaluation. It's awful, and I feel like I'm being dragged along the road eating pavement.

Something needs to give, I need autonomy to revert back to the professionalism I know best. This family business culture is messing with my head, and I realize I am more easily influenced than I had thought. Before I press the eject button, I need to figure out exactly what my personal timeline is. Half a year? 2013? I think that should be enough. In half a year it will be clear whether I can be an entrepreneur under her influence, and if so, can we change the relationship and still start a business... and if not, what cushy job is out there because I mentally need an oil change.

But you know what, for all those jobs out there... someone had to create those open positions. Each company had to start small from somewhere born out of struggle. If countless people can start their own businesses, then so can I. I don't want to be a drone, I want to be the Queen Bee.