It's been 5 weeks since my last blog post, and even then I was seriously slacking in quality output. If you are actually reading this post, I probably have to thank your RSS feed for making you involuntarily stalk me. :)
Around a month ago, an acquaintance (now turned friend) admitted to me that he read through my entire blog. Like all three years worth (that's a lot). And he asked me whether it was weird that he felt like he knew me even though we had only spoke a few times at that point. I thought about it, and actually on the contrary I thought quite the opposite. I've invested probably weeks worth of energy into Adventures, taking photos, choosing and editing images, recounting events, typing out a stream of consciousness... even though I don't purposely write for anyone but myself (and quite frankly I never felt like I had anything to prove) I do welcome those who stumble onto my pirate ship to verbally listen to me if it suits their fancy. It's vastly different from an accessible platform like Facebook, where a community of bodies are there to actively engage in short bursts of collective empathy, judging, gathering. I do hope that Adventures reflects my real self quite accurately, and while I will never entirely bare my soul to anyone over the internet, at least the difference is never deliberate alteration of reality but a choice of omission.
I think it is best to ease myself back into real blogging rather than inundate my entire post with another stream of photos. To be honest, my last couple entries have strained if anything.... there's just so much going on in my life right now that I actually felt guilty for not being in the mood to sit down and document all these events. But you just can't, it's too much, and then you drag your feet and procrastinate.... as time passes you try your best to gracefully ignore the situation... like when that dude sitting in front of you on the plane let out a big stinky fart. Ugh, I just shuddered.
Hmmm, so what would Future Me like to read about Current Me? I think the most important thing that happened to me over the last several weeks was my mom visiting me for a month in Shanghai. That was quite a mental and physical journey. Not only did my mom keep me company for a full 30 days, we also traveled together to Zhujiazhui Water Town, Jiuzhaigou Sichuan, Beijing, and even a scary trip to a local Shanghai hospital (mom treated for exhaustion!). At the end of it all, through periods of frustration, temper, lethargy, arrogance, and fear, I was conquered and deeply humbled by my mom's unwavering patience, kindness, understanding, generosity, and grace. Why do we act exponentially crappier with those who love us the most? It boggles my mind. I hate becoming the Green Goblin!
The most domestic and unflattering picture that I could find.
Also the one closest to my heart. Hahaha. :)
I never really understand other people's relationships with their parents, mostly because they usually feel like blanket statements that I can't really relate to. My relationship with my parents has always been evolving, and I don't think that we'll ever really reach a stable plateau. It's not a negative thing, it's just a fact. Aging is a process that continually forces us to adapt and appreciate to each others' strengths, as well as support and forgive each others' weaknesses. My Mom is no longer invincible, and it was very very very difficult coming to that realization. And even after realizing this I had to constantly battle being a total brat. As a kid I never worried about my parents, but last month I asked Mom to call me whenever she left my apartment and tell me EXACTLY where she was going. It was like having a Life Alert. She happily obliged, and I felt a flood of relief whenever I came home and saw her relaxing on the couch or cooking up another delicious homestyle meal. Since when did I have to impose a curfew on my own mother? Obviously the roles have changed, and I've gotten a glimpse of just how neurotic of a parent I may become in the future. (I always wanted to be Good Cop, here's to hoping my future husband is a bigger psychomeanie than me! Hahaha,)
In the past, I was the one who was the blank slate, the one who got lost in the supermarket, the one who asked questions on how things worked. Mom was the one who knew everything, found me hyperventilating in the dairy section, taught me the rules of life. I am now Mom and Mom is now me, and I'm not sure that I like that very much. I want to continue feeling blindly secure around her, but part of adulthood is being other people's rock and protector. Part of this month-long experience with Mom wasn't coming to this realization, but actually trying to do it. I am in need training wheels.
Right now my parents are physically considerably weaker, and their memory sputters at times. Many of my friends are also shocked about the changes their own parents' metamorphosis, but you know what...? This must be what our parents feel watching us grow up from babies. I'm at the age where several of my friends have children, and it's incredible to see them grow up. It's simply mind-boggling how fast they change month to month, year to year. It must seem like a miracle. So then, how must it feel for a parent to see their helpless infant become an independent individual, the apple of their eye? I'm not there yet, but even while using the furthest reaches of my imagination I feel overwhelmed with emotion... and that must be a shred of how my parents must feel about about me. How could I ever repay them, except with the same (greater) amount of love, patience, and generosity that I have received my entire life?
There were many times when I was not proud of the way I reacted to something my mom did or said. I was factually right 99.99% of the time, but that does not make me RIGHT. By the time my mom was due to fly back to Shanghai, I really did not want her to leave. I'll admit, she was a major c-kblock. But I wanted her by my side so I could take care of her, and share my life with her. What I learned was that parents drive us all bonkers, but if you can maintain absolute grace in face of an Asian mother who is talented at inadvertently making the most face-palming societal generalizations in the world, brags about things no one really cares about, and types on the computer pecking with only her right index finger, then you have become the ultimate Jedi Master.
I love you Mommy! 你什麼時候再來呢？
Posts
0 comments:
Post a Comment